This has nothing to do with my eating disorder.
This has nothing to do with my hypothalamic amenorrhea either.
Maybe it does. But not significantly.
I needed to write this down somewhere.
I would usually write my general feelings about life events in another blog, but that blog got discovered by people who know me personally. Although at first I didn't care about this fact and still kept writing whatever I wanted, I had to put a stop to my recklessnes, as people sent me warning signs. Whenever I wrote something about my life and my observations, someone would notice something related to him/her which s/he didn't like.
That's why I'm writing about this feeling of banishment in here. It's because this blog has not been discovered yet.
So I used to have a friend circle, back in the days when I was completely free of my illness... when I was a new student in the medical university. We would hang out together, gossip together, arrange events together.
Since the beginning of my illness, my relationship with them fluctuated, most of the time in a bad manner. It wasn't until I opened my heart to one of them (who used to be my best friend, too), told her I'm sorry because of all the things I've done to them and mostly to her, told her that I'm getting better.
She said she's sorry for not staying by my side, too.
She said she's happy for me, because she also realized that I was getting better.
She said she saw a glimpse of my old self more and more each day.
She said I came back.
...
After that speech, we started having a lot of fun together again. We would gossip, hang out, arrange events. She would organize a surprise party for me, I would prepare nice gifts for her.
I thought everything was back on track.
But somehow I still feel like I've been missing a lot. Especially about the rest of the group. Probably because of this, they don't invite me to their plans, don't talk to me about their emotions. Whenever I'm in a place with them, I feel uncomfortable.
It feels nice to be able to write this down. Even now I feel like this is nothing to be feeling sorry about. Thanks for reading and not relating what I've written here to yourself :)
