UNWANTED VISITOR

My home has been recently occupied by an unwanted visitor.

The visitor is a she. She is old. She is uneducated. She is extremely small, and obviously has a chronic eating disorder. She has no self esteem. She hates everyone, and gossips about them. When she does not cook for others, she only talks bad things about the people she knows about.

She is a relative of mine.

I've been avoiding home recently.

I've been hiding things from home recently, just so that this unwanted visitor won't have a material to talk about me.

The first day she came to our home, she grumbled to my mum that I've been a disappointment since I had a boyfriend. God knew how shameful acts I must have undertaken to find one?

Yesterday I bought myself a cute dress to wear in my second year anniversary with my boyfriend. She wanted to look what was inside the bag. Just because I didn't feel like it, I refused to show it to her. She tried to convince my mum afterwards to sneak into my room and see what was inside the bag.

Mum told her that I was an individual of this house, and the most loved one. She wouldn't do anything that would interfere with my personal life.

Last time she came to our home, she stayed for months. That's her thing. She always stays to make people uncomfortable.

But this time, mum bought her a ticket online.

She'll be gone in 2 weeks.

I don't like the UNEDUCATED.

Uneducated doesn't equal someone who did not go to school. Uneducated equals hatred, no sympathy, chaos. Uneducated is that she, that poor woman with that extremely small figure and a bad mouth.

Thanks mum.

ON THE EDGE

Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that my thighs got bigger and bigger.

I agreed to him that my thigh's are nearly as big as his.

He said probably yes.

The day before he told me that in future it was quite probable that I was going to end up looking like my plump mother.

While saying all that, he never meant to be mean. At least that's how he seemed like. He was looking good-humored, loving and smiling all the time.

But I couldn't hold it any longer. Yesterday, I exploded.

I reminded him about my mental disorder: "Don't you know about my anorexia?"

He seemed uncaring: "But I think you completely got over it"

I attacked him the same way he did to me: "And you are so tiny and small that you look like my little brother. Now how does that feel? You always tell me that you completely got over your height obsession. How did you feel when I told you this?"

He answered: "Not good"

For the rest of the time, he tried to assure me that he didn't mean to stress on me getting bigger and heavier, he thought that I already knew I looked fit, and he was just joking around.

I know he was just joking.

But I did not like that joke.

When will I not care about this bullshit?

I want to be free!

And I'm afraid that I don't love my boyfriend enough.

I love my obsessions more than I love him.

EVIL VOICE IN MY HEAD

Dear voice

I'm fed up with you tricking me into believing that everything has passed and I'm completely recovered.

When will you stop this?

When will you get bored of mocking me?

Will you shut up?

Thanks...

PATIENCE

Mum and dad let me loose.

My relationship with my old friends whose hearts I've broken a lot during my disorder has gone back to normal.

I have no stress in my life.

I'm trying to relax and overhear my obsessive thoughts.

Why is letting loose not that easy anymore? It used to be so easy!

At least I think I'm getting better at it.

DISAPPOINTED

I opened that package of brownies.

I took a bite.

I took a second bite. Maybe a third.

Then I stopped.

"I don't even feel that hungry" I said.

So I threw it into the bin.

...

It's not that I don't eat any junk food. I eat foods with high nutritional value regularly, including desserts with lots of sugar content as well as high fat food. And you can't tell that I'm suffering from an eating disorder just by my look. To majority of the people who witness my lifestyle from a closer look, I'm the symbol of clean healthy life style.

But there is a fact that I've still not gained my periods back. Why?

Could "too healthy" and "too clean" be the main reasons?

...

You don't have to eat too little or too much to have an eating disorder.

It's all in your mind.

And healing your mind... It's hard.

I WANT TO RECOVER

Today an old friend of mine who suffered from a similar condition to mine sent me a text on whatsapp. She told me that she's been having regular cycles for 2 months, and the only thing she did was let go off things she used to obsess about.

I want to let go.

So I decided to let go.

I've been improving about getting rid of my obsessions for perfection. I've been eating intuitively and abundantly. I've been avoiding excessive exercising, I've been trying to find new activities I can enjoy. But it's still there in my mind, I can feel it's still there.

Tomorrow I'm going to have that unhealthy brownie.

IT'S BEEN SOME TIME

I've been ignoring this diary-like blog recently.

Not because I want to.

I don't have time for a lot of things I used to do recently.

I don't write blogs.

I don't read books for leisure.

I don't exercise as much.

I don't watch my body grow. She can do anything she wants.

And I feel tired still.

I really don't know the reason. I'm not having an exhausting time period or anything. But I just feel tired.

So I'm going to sleep now.

Good night.

I'VE BEATEN MY OCD!

So, yesterday was the end of my neurology committee. Likewise, my university friends finished their own committees; the ones that had finished their psychiatry committee told me that what I had been going through this whole time was an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I had gotten over with myself.

My exercise was my compulsion, driven with my obsession for staying skinny.

Did you know that people get medications to get over their OCDs? And I've beaten it without it! By putting my life in balance with my passions and my duties, nothing is impossible to get one's life be on track again.

Yes, I have more fat in my body.

Yes, I'm still waiting to see the complete results of my full recovery (which is getting my period back!)

No, I'm still having my ups and downs, it's a part of being human.

No, I don't think I'm perfect, since there is no accurate definition of "perfect"

Yes, I'm going to be happier from now and then on!

NEW OLD ME

I have no idea what got to me lately, but I had never been less caring about my weight, body fat, my veins' visibility for so long.

Not complaining about it, it's what a normal, healthy mindset is supposed to be. It's what the "old me" was.

I'm calling this phase of my recovery as "the new old me phase"

I've still not got my periods back, but I know that this is a huge process. I damaged my psychology and my body so much within the last 2 years. Now what I can do is, trust my body, love my body no matter what.

So, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

I promise, dear BODY :)

2 FRIENDS

I met with 2 friends today, at different times of the same day.

Both of them told me I seemed kind of relieved.

The first one told me how happy she was to see me like this. More positive, less stressed out. I told her that it was because of the profiterole dessert I was eating with her.

The second one told me how shocked she was to see how easygoing I was with her (just like she said when I went abroad with her to Europe for a holiday).

What can I say?

I'd missed my old life. So I wanted it back. And I took it back!

Obsessions are real. Turning obsessions into psychiatric disorders are real, too. But they can be got rid of.

I did it, so anybody can do it ;)

COUNTING DAYS ARE OVER

I had this huge instagram project I developed on my own, which I thought would motivate me to take a break from running: "walkinsteadofrun"

What I would do in this independent project is that I would walk during the days and take pics of the meaningful things around me while walking, make a collage of the daily favorite pictures and post them.

In addition, I would write the number of the days I had not been running, which I thought would motivate me further not to relapse.

Now, I think I don't need counting anymore. And you know what? I'm quite fed up with numbers.

I'll just keep doing what I think is right for me at the moment: less stress, more fun.

I think I've completed my project successfully.

Btw, I don't plan on going back to running for quite a while. I just don't feel like it.

Maybe some pilates... Dunno.

BIG TEST WITH EID Al-ADHA

So, I've been watching some videos on Youtube channels that address on how to cope with hypothalamic amenorrhea lately, and most of them are made by (guess what?!) vegan communities. Probably the reason is that this disorder mainly affects them!

They motivate me to increase my fat intake and care less about the notion of food so that I can focus on life, which is a really big part of my recovery process.

I used to be a girl who would make her grades and extracurricular activities and ambition. I would compare myself with others based on the number of countries I saw and how much I knew about the world apart from the lessons that we learned together. I would never compare myself to the others based on the things that they eat daily, or the number that appears once they step on the scale.

I'm not saying that comparing myself with others in any kind of aspects is a good thing.

But it is a normal thing. It's part of who I am, a part of who we are.

People compare themselves with each other, to measure if they are improving or getting worse.

But there is a healthy limit on comparing oneself to another.

I might have crossed that line during my illness.

So yeah, I've been trying to recover from my recent obsessions about food and focus more on my former hobbies and interests. I think I've come a long way in succeeding that so far.

However, these channels are full of the idea of "saving the animals!". Not a bad thing as it sounds, I know. But when it comes to a point where you get stressed out once your close relatives put an animal meat on your plate (since it's the time of feast of Sacrifices) and you feel like you're going to die if you eat it, I think it signals to a PROBLEM.

Personally, I don't like meat. The only animal products my brain and stomach can tolerate are eggs, milk and fish. And if I ever start living on my own, the first thing I'm going to cross out from my groceries list is "meat." However, I'm also an easy-going person who used to be able to "adapt" to her living conditions. If eating meat is going to improve my relationship with my loved ones, so be it! I ACCEPT THE CHALLANGE!

Take care ;)

GOOD PEOPLE

I'm surrounded with good people nowadays.

Not decent people, but good people. They won't hurt me. So they are good.

Without any peer pressure, I feel myself much more relieved and better.

Feeling relieved makes studying medicine much easier.

Things are good ;)

MY FOCUSES ON LIFE

They are getting different from day to day.

I used to pick foods that would make me look the best way I possibly could. Now I pick foods based on their taste and their price (the cheapest and healthiest ones please!)

My worries began being about my future jobs and the places I wanna live in, not the people's opinions about me.

Today, a person that I recently became friends with told me that she heard I was running marathons. I told her I'm not doing that anymore. When she asked me why, I told her it was because I was on a weight gain diet. She was in shock, telling me: "I don't think you're too skinny."

She's not the only person to tell me that.

My body used to look like a body of a person that came from a Nazi camp. Then I made it look like a bikini body competitor. Then I just let everything go and maintained a normal lifestyle. Everytime, people would make criticisms on me.

"You should gain weight!"

"You should exercise less"

"You shouldn't gain weight! Stay where you are! You're goals!"

"Build more muscle!"

"Don't get any bulkier, just get some fat!"

Now that I look like an average person, it's so relieving that people are not saying me such things. My body is not the first place one looks while trying to communicate with me, while trying to get to know me better.

I'm more than the way I look.

"DID YOU GAIN WEIGHT?"

That was the question my friend asked me who had not seen me since summer holiday began.

Never for a second did I think that this comment was triggering.

I was neither happy nor upset about it. I just felt like it was a right comment.

It's exactly what happened to me.

It's exactly what I needed to happen.

I won't feel ashamed of what I've done to myself within the last couple of years.

Neither do I feel ashamed that I just let it go and gave up my dreams of having the "perfect body"

I might have given up my dream, but I've done it for a better reason: to achieve a better version of myself.

There is no such thing like "perfect me"

There is and only will be "better me"

GETTING SICK OF BEING "SICK"

The nausea does not end!

I try to eat, and I eat enough to make mum happy despite my unhappy stomach. And then I feel this huge nausea.

I know, the best way to relieve nausea is to give it away and throw up.

But I can't do that, either! (Not due to and psychological disorder, it's just that I don't have any gag reflex by nature :S)

My boyfriend had his hair graft done. He feels sick, too. I couldn't even go visit him at his operation room.

I don't have any symptoms of dizziness, fatigue, or high fever (thank god they subsided). But my appetite doesn't know how to come back!

I want my health back...

I came to realize within the last two days that my hypothalamic amenorrhea does not count as a disease. If I get over this bullshit, I will never ever complain about it!

Good night...

UTI

I got sick today. I'm suspecting it's a urinary tract infection.

This is abnormal, usually I don't get sick (maybe once a year, but definitely not more than that!)

I did no exercise, I slept throughout the day, ate a lot although I didn't feel like eating. And guess what? I'm better!

I think my body wanted this sickness to remind me of what a rest-day looks like.

I think I loved it!

The best side of today's sickness was that it helped me realize my parents do not get freaked out if I don't feel like eating, which shows that they really think my eating disorder belongs to my archival materials, not my current life!


It feels so nice to see my parents trusting me again.

Today I was supposed to go to the Princes' islands with my boyfriend, which I had to cancel due to my unexpected sickness. He was so understanding about that. Tomorrow he will have an operation of his head (hair transplantation), I hope I will have enough energy to go and visit him.

Having today's events put on a brief note, I kindly finish today's summary and say: "Good night:)"

WOODY ALLEN

Today my boyfriend and I watched a Woody Allen movie, called "Cafe Society".

Just like a typical Woody Allen movie, it was full of betrayal, comedy, drama etc.

My boyfriend was really loving as always. He hugged me, caressed my back, and held my hand throughout the movie. He does that all the time.

Then he realized something was going wrong. I'd been avoiding him for a while. And today, I was kind of cold-hearted towards his loving attitude.

He asked me if everything was alright.

I said yes, not convincingly.

After the movie ended, I confessed him:

"I'm afraid to be cheated on"

He told me that for some reason, I lost my trust on him. He didn't like this coming, but he realized it.

He told me he trusted me no matter what, and wished me to do the same. He said he's trying to work on gaining my trust back, if only he could know the reason behind my loss of trust.

I know the reason, if only I could tell him.

I think I'm a suggestible type. I get too affected by what my parents tell me about the people (probably because of my gut feeling that's coming from my former experiences. Ever since I gained friendships that my parents did not fully approve, I always got betrayed. So deep down I trust the experiences of my family more than I trust my instincts. So I let them affect me)

Ever since my relationship started getting serious with my boyfriend, my parents started questioning whether he's the right guy for me.

And they've been making harsh comments about him for a while. Not because he deserves them (actually, all they say is true about him. But they don't irritate me as long as my parents stress on them in a mean way. You know, in a way that parents scold their children brutally).

That probably got to me.

I hope I won't make any mistakes... I feel a little bit vulnerable.

I GUESS I'M REALLY TRYING

Physically and mentally I'm trying.

I've been avoiding running (my most favorite exercise routine) for months, not because sprinting for a couple of times a month would ruin my recovery (I know even thinking that is crazy), but because if I give it a try even for once and my recovery process doesn't end well, I'm going to put the blame on it. I would rather say: "Ok, I'm doing everything right. If it's not happening, who cares?" than say: "Why can't I just let it go?"

But if I can't move my body enough like I used to back in my restrictive days, I feel like the day was spent unproductive. So instead of doing cardio, I do weightlifting and yoga, and have a simple walk. Deep down, I sometimes question whether it is a replacement done by my restrictive mindset, whether I ever try to push my limits way over the finish line again.

I hope not...

I just want this vicious cycle to end.

Today was better. I met my boyfriend after a week (dunno why we had not met for such a long time.) He told me he will do anything to reach me when I start staying at the dormitory (which is a long distance for him). I can't help but ask myself: "is he gonna do it even when he doesn't feel like trying to meet me although I'm just a couple of railway-stations away from him?"

I answer myself: "I doubt it"

I doubt if this relationship is going to last forever. But all I know is that when I spend time with him, I feel better. He's a good friend.

I need good friends.

I know that if someone with a healthy mindset comes across this blog and reads these sentences, s/he is going to think that I'm too egocentric, that I need help.

That's probably right.

I think this is me trying to compensate for all those years that I forgot about myself completely. This is me punishing myself for being too selfless for ages.

I hope I'm going to find my balance.

CAN'T HELP IT

I can't help not watching videos on youtube channels made by women who experienced hypothalamic amenorrhea and dedicated their channels to help women motivate to fight against it. What they "order" people to do sounds too harsh for me. I have no idea how these women manage to make "eat, rest, be happy" prescription as harsh, but trust me, they do.

I also can't help not keeping a little bit of distance with my boyfriend. I really don't know exactly what really got to me lately, but I feel like I've been hearing too much of "I love you," but not I've not been seeing enough action that would prove what he says is true. He's such a loving person, and he's like that to everyone close to him.

But the good side is that my psychology is getting better and better each day. I've started thinking less about the food that I'm going to eat, so I'm less stressed. I'm gradually including more fats into my diet, not because I need it, but because I want to. My exercise routine is getting lighter and lighter each day, and I don't feel like a fat-store if I don't have the chance to exercise.

I have more energy to focus on other things in life, which makes me remember about the last 2 and a half years of my life, in which I was obsessed about the food I took in and the body image issues I had. Everyday that I would look in the mirror to see if my thigh gap got any smaller, everyday I would spend sleepless... Those days seem just ridiculous, but I don't feel regretful that I made such a huge long-lasting mistake. I know I'll fix it!

This time I'm going to be gentle.

I love me.

And I know that the only people who love me as much as I do, are my parents. And they won't be there forever (I hope they will be there for a long long long time though). Since I'm the only one who will stay with me until I die, I have to learn how to love myself more each day. Simple equation.

CONFESSION

By the way,

I still can't give up on my exercise completely. Whenever I spend a day passively, I feel agitated.

I hope it won't interfere with the healing process...

If it does, I hope I'm gonna get ready to do what's best for me.

WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN

So... I told my boyfriend how I loved him and always wanted good things for him... that he made me a better person. He expressed his feelings of love to me by saying it over a hundred times. I thought: "Yeah, he does that a lot. Nothing weird happening here, he's just a cute happy boy!" and felt happy.

Then he told me that a girl who's 1 year older than him texted him to have a meeting to discuss ideas about some future business projects at her place. He said that I shouldn't worry, that he will always be faithful to me.

He added that he changed the meeting place to be at a coffee shop, since it would make him uncomfortable to meet her at her place.

Did I tell you that I was not worried until he told me that I shouldn't be worried and he was always going to be faithful?

Today, he met that girl and he even made me talk to her on the phone.

Come on, I'm not a jealous bitch...

He knows that I'm not!

Why would you do that?

Anyways, weird things do happen.

Probably he's going through some... phase.

NORMAL DAYS

During the recovery process, one has her ups and downs frequently. Some days are hard, some days are easy. As the easy days get more in abundance, it's a great indicator that the recovery is going in a positive slope.

Today was an easy one, just like yesterday, and the day before.

I had to be obsessed with "something" all my life. Until I turned 16, it had to be my nose. Once I made peace with my nose, my feminine organs started becoming a problem. When I was too busy to look in the mirror and criticize the way I look, it had to be my academic career that I had to be obsessed with.

My hobbies, whether I got improved in something that I just began, what the other people thought of me... All the things that were supposed to make me happy became an obsession after a short period of time. Always, I was so good at it.

Of course I couldn't handle that much of self-criticism. So, quitting-before-finishing a job became a habit.

The good side of getting mature is that you grow to understand life is not worth too many self-criticisms.

After all, you are your best friend.

I hope I'm gonna have such normal days for a long time.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN A NEW PAGE

Somedays I feel like I should start a brand new life. With brand new people.

Other days those people who I think should be gotten rid of just tell me that they love me, that they can't live without me.

It's getting easier and easier to get accustomed to the recovery process and just go with the flow.

But there are still some days that I have my ups and downs, usually after being triggered by those people. I start feeling desperate, then I reach the resolution by crying out.

Today was one of those days where I was really close to being triggered, but instead I chose to watch a documentary and forget about everything.

Maybe the only person who should be gotten rid of is my self-blaming inner voice.

Why do I see things that are fine as they are as things that should be fixed or erased?

I really don't know how to be happy.

Anyone willing to teach me how?

I HAVE SOME "PROBLEMS"

These problems can hardly be classified as "real" problems. Let's just call them "issues." I've counted them below:

1)I'm coming from a family that's obsessed with overachievement.
   Being a daughter of 2 doctors, of course it would have been so rude of me not to study medicine (it didn't matter if I wanted to be a doctor or not, which obviously I didn't want)
2) I have a history of an eating disorder and exercising addiction
   I've been eating well enough to stay energized and it's been nearly 3 months since I left my overexercising regime, but yeah, I can't erase what was done...
3)My current weight is "underweight"
   It used to be much lower, now I'm better. But I used to be at a normal BMI when I could menstruate.
4)I'm trying my best to gain weight, but it is so hard to do so with my mostly "healthy" eating habits
   I can only eat until I feel full. I'm trying my best to get my fat and carb intake enough. My only restriction while choosing food is that I just want to eat the things that make me enjoy eating. (Things like alcohol, too salty things that make me feel thirsty are out of the list of my nutrition)
5)I feel like my friends are just getting bored of my silly problems with my reproductive system, especially my boyfriend
   I really really want to change my whole life. It would have so nice to start with a new page tomorrow. With new friends and new life... But deep down I know that it is not a way out, and I should be learning from my old mistakes instead of forgetting them.
6)It's been over 2 years since I've been having issues with my hormonal system (not that it was very healthy before that... but it still functioned most of the time), and I am getting fed up!!!
   Yeah, I think what I meant in this clause was that I am "impatient!!!"
7)I just want this whole nightmare to end.
   My only wish...

Thanks