NEW OLD ME

I have no idea what got to me lately, but I had never been less caring about my weight, body fat, my veins' visibility for so long.

Not complaining about it, it's what a normal, healthy mindset is supposed to be. It's what the "old me" was.

I'm calling this phase of my recovery as "the new old me phase"

I've still not got my periods back, but I know that this is a huge process. I damaged my psychology and my body so much within the last 2 years. Now what I can do is, trust my body, love my body no matter what.

So, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

I promise, dear BODY :)

2 FRIENDS

I met with 2 friends today, at different times of the same day.

Both of them told me I seemed kind of relieved.

The first one told me how happy she was to see me like this. More positive, less stressed out. I told her that it was because of the profiterole dessert I was eating with her.

The second one told me how shocked she was to see how easygoing I was with her (just like she said when I went abroad with her to Europe for a holiday).

What can I say?

I'd missed my old life. So I wanted it back. And I took it back!

Obsessions are real. Turning obsessions into psychiatric disorders are real, too. But they can be got rid of.

I did it, so anybody can do it ;)

COUNTING DAYS ARE OVER

I had this huge instagram project I developed on my own, which I thought would motivate me to take a break from running: "walkinsteadofrun"

What I would do in this independent project is that I would walk during the days and take pics of the meaningful things around me while walking, make a collage of the daily favorite pictures and post them.

In addition, I would write the number of the days I had not been running, which I thought would motivate me further not to relapse.

Now, I think I don't need counting anymore. And you know what? I'm quite fed up with numbers.

I'll just keep doing what I think is right for me at the moment: less stress, more fun.

I think I've completed my project successfully.

Btw, I don't plan on going back to running for quite a while. I just don't feel like it.

Maybe some pilates... Dunno.

BIG TEST WITH EID Al-ADHA

So, I've been watching some videos on Youtube channels that address on how to cope with hypothalamic amenorrhea lately, and most of them are made by (guess what?!) vegan communities. Probably the reason is that this disorder mainly affects them!

They motivate me to increase my fat intake and care less about the notion of food so that I can focus on life, which is a really big part of my recovery process.

I used to be a girl who would make her grades and extracurricular activities and ambition. I would compare myself with others based on the number of countries I saw and how much I knew about the world apart from the lessons that we learned together. I would never compare myself to the others based on the things that they eat daily, or the number that appears once they step on the scale.

I'm not saying that comparing myself with others in any kind of aspects is a good thing.

But it is a normal thing. It's part of who I am, a part of who we are.

People compare themselves with each other, to measure if they are improving or getting worse.

But there is a healthy limit on comparing oneself to another.

I might have crossed that line during my illness.

So yeah, I've been trying to recover from my recent obsessions about food and focus more on my former hobbies and interests. I think I've come a long way in succeeding that so far.

However, these channels are full of the idea of "saving the animals!". Not a bad thing as it sounds, I know. But when it comes to a point where you get stressed out once your close relatives put an animal meat on your plate (since it's the time of feast of Sacrifices) and you feel like you're going to die if you eat it, I think it signals to a PROBLEM.

Personally, I don't like meat. The only animal products my brain and stomach can tolerate are eggs, milk and fish. And if I ever start living on my own, the first thing I'm going to cross out from my groceries list is "meat." However, I'm also an easy-going person who used to be able to "adapt" to her living conditions. If eating meat is going to improve my relationship with my loved ones, so be it! I ACCEPT THE CHALLANGE!

Take care ;)

GOOD PEOPLE

I'm surrounded with good people nowadays.

Not decent people, but good people. They won't hurt me. So they are good.

Without any peer pressure, I feel myself much more relieved and better.

Feeling relieved makes studying medicine much easier.

Things are good ;)

MY FOCUSES ON LIFE

They are getting different from day to day.

I used to pick foods that would make me look the best way I possibly could. Now I pick foods based on their taste and their price (the cheapest and healthiest ones please!)

My worries began being about my future jobs and the places I wanna live in, not the people's opinions about me.

Today, a person that I recently became friends with told me that she heard I was running marathons. I told her I'm not doing that anymore. When she asked me why, I told her it was because I was on a weight gain diet. She was in shock, telling me: "I don't think you're too skinny."

She's not the only person to tell me that.

My body used to look like a body of a person that came from a Nazi camp. Then I made it look like a bikini body competitor. Then I just let everything go and maintained a normal lifestyle. Everytime, people would make criticisms on me.

"You should gain weight!"

"You should exercise less"

"You shouldn't gain weight! Stay where you are! You're goals!"

"Build more muscle!"

"Don't get any bulkier, just get some fat!"

Now that I look like an average person, it's so relieving that people are not saying me such things. My body is not the first place one looks while trying to communicate with me, while trying to get to know me better.

I'm more than the way I look.

"DID YOU GAIN WEIGHT?"

That was the question my friend asked me who had not seen me since summer holiday began.

Never for a second did I think that this comment was triggering.

I was neither happy nor upset about it. I just felt like it was a right comment.

It's exactly what happened to me.

It's exactly what I needed to happen.

I won't feel ashamed of what I've done to myself within the last couple of years.

Neither do I feel ashamed that I just let it go and gave up my dreams of having the "perfect body"

I might have given up my dream, but I've done it for a better reason: to achieve a better version of myself.

There is no such thing like "perfect me"

There is and only will be "better me"

GETTING SICK OF BEING "SICK"

The nausea does not end!

I try to eat, and I eat enough to make mum happy despite my unhappy stomach. And then I feel this huge nausea.

I know, the best way to relieve nausea is to give it away and throw up.

But I can't do that, either! (Not due to and psychological disorder, it's just that I don't have any gag reflex by nature :S)

My boyfriend had his hair graft done. He feels sick, too. I couldn't even go visit him at his operation room.

I don't have any symptoms of dizziness, fatigue, or high fever (thank god they subsided). But my appetite doesn't know how to come back!

I want my health back...

I came to realize within the last two days that my hypothalamic amenorrhea does not count as a disease. If I get over this bullshit, I will never ever complain about it!

Good night...

UTI

I got sick today. I'm suspecting it's a urinary tract infection.

This is abnormal, usually I don't get sick (maybe once a year, but definitely not more than that!)

I did no exercise, I slept throughout the day, ate a lot although I didn't feel like eating. And guess what? I'm better!

I think my body wanted this sickness to remind me of what a rest-day looks like.

I think I loved it!

The best side of today's sickness was that it helped me realize my parents do not get freaked out if I don't feel like eating, which shows that they really think my eating disorder belongs to my archival materials, not my current life!


It feels so nice to see my parents trusting me again.

Today I was supposed to go to the Princes' islands with my boyfriend, which I had to cancel due to my unexpected sickness. He was so understanding about that. Tomorrow he will have an operation of his head (hair transplantation), I hope I will have enough energy to go and visit him.

Having today's events put on a brief note, I kindly finish today's summary and say: "Good night:)"

WOODY ALLEN

Today my boyfriend and I watched a Woody Allen movie, called "Cafe Society".

Just like a typical Woody Allen movie, it was full of betrayal, comedy, drama etc.

My boyfriend was really loving as always. He hugged me, caressed my back, and held my hand throughout the movie. He does that all the time.

Then he realized something was going wrong. I'd been avoiding him for a while. And today, I was kind of cold-hearted towards his loving attitude.

He asked me if everything was alright.

I said yes, not convincingly.

After the movie ended, I confessed him:

"I'm afraid to be cheated on"

He told me that for some reason, I lost my trust on him. He didn't like this coming, but he realized it.

He told me he trusted me no matter what, and wished me to do the same. He said he's trying to work on gaining my trust back, if only he could know the reason behind my loss of trust.

I know the reason, if only I could tell him.

I think I'm a suggestible type. I get too affected by what my parents tell me about the people (probably because of my gut feeling that's coming from my former experiences. Ever since I gained friendships that my parents did not fully approve, I always got betrayed. So deep down I trust the experiences of my family more than I trust my instincts. So I let them affect me)

Ever since my relationship started getting serious with my boyfriend, my parents started questioning whether he's the right guy for me.

And they've been making harsh comments about him for a while. Not because he deserves them (actually, all they say is true about him. But they don't irritate me as long as my parents stress on them in a mean way. You know, in a way that parents scold their children brutally).

That probably got to me.

I hope I won't make any mistakes... I feel a little bit vulnerable.

I GUESS I'M REALLY TRYING

Physically and mentally I'm trying.

I've been avoiding running (my most favorite exercise routine) for months, not because sprinting for a couple of times a month would ruin my recovery (I know even thinking that is crazy), but because if I give it a try even for once and my recovery process doesn't end well, I'm going to put the blame on it. I would rather say: "Ok, I'm doing everything right. If it's not happening, who cares?" than say: "Why can't I just let it go?"

But if I can't move my body enough like I used to back in my restrictive days, I feel like the day was spent unproductive. So instead of doing cardio, I do weightlifting and yoga, and have a simple walk. Deep down, I sometimes question whether it is a replacement done by my restrictive mindset, whether I ever try to push my limits way over the finish line again.

I hope not...

I just want this vicious cycle to end.

Today was better. I met my boyfriend after a week (dunno why we had not met for such a long time.) He told me he will do anything to reach me when I start staying at the dormitory (which is a long distance for him). I can't help but ask myself: "is he gonna do it even when he doesn't feel like trying to meet me although I'm just a couple of railway-stations away from him?"

I answer myself: "I doubt it"

I doubt if this relationship is going to last forever. But all I know is that when I spend time with him, I feel better. He's a good friend.

I need good friends.

I know that if someone with a healthy mindset comes across this blog and reads these sentences, s/he is going to think that I'm too egocentric, that I need help.

That's probably right.

I think this is me trying to compensate for all those years that I forgot about myself completely. This is me punishing myself for being too selfless for ages.

I hope I'm going to find my balance.