PATIENCE

Mum and dad let me loose.

My relationship with my old friends whose hearts I've broken a lot during my disorder has gone back to normal.

I have no stress in my life.

I'm trying to relax and overhear my obsessive thoughts.

Why is letting loose not that easy anymore? It used to be so easy!

At least I think I'm getting better at it.

DISAPPOINTED

I opened that package of brownies.

I took a bite.

I took a second bite. Maybe a third.

Then I stopped.

"I don't even feel that hungry" I said.

So I threw it into the bin.

...

It's not that I don't eat any junk food. I eat foods with high nutritional value regularly, including desserts with lots of sugar content as well as high fat food. And you can't tell that I'm suffering from an eating disorder just by my look. To majority of the people who witness my lifestyle from a closer look, I'm the symbol of clean healthy life style.

But there is a fact that I've still not gained my periods back. Why?

Could "too healthy" and "too clean" be the main reasons?

...

You don't have to eat too little or too much to have an eating disorder.

It's all in your mind.

And healing your mind... It's hard.

I WANT TO RECOVER

Today an old friend of mine who suffered from a similar condition to mine sent me a text on whatsapp. She told me that she's been having regular cycles for 2 months, and the only thing she did was let go off things she used to obsess about.

I want to let go.

So I decided to let go.

I've been improving about getting rid of my obsessions for perfection. I've been eating intuitively and abundantly. I've been avoiding excessive exercising, I've been trying to find new activities I can enjoy. But it's still there in my mind, I can feel it's still there.

Tomorrow I'm going to have that unhealthy brownie.