STUPID

I just read my last post.

It seemed so stupid to be in the mood to write such things.

Well, to make things clear: I don't always think that I'm too big. I don't always think that I'm insufficient. In fact, most of the time I think it's the opposite.

But I always think that I'm tired and overwhelmed.

It's been so long since I made huge holiday like I used to when I was a kid.

Maybe all I need is a gap year to heal my mind.

WEIRD PROBLEM

So I have this weird problem.

When I was weighing like 107 pounds, my boyfriend could lift me up, although not easily.

As 2 years passed by, I gained weight. A lot of weight, since it was what I had to do to go through my recovery from my ED.

I don't get on the scale any longer, since it's a huge trigger for my disorder. But approximately, I could say comfortably that I weigh something between 115-125 pounds, which is a healthy weight for my height.

My boyfriend can't lift me up any longer.

And I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I'm fat, too big for him.

I know this is a ridiculous way of thinking. But it is in my subconscious. I hate the idea of being big.

And I'm afraid it will never pass completely.

I also used to have a dream of being lifted easily by my prince, as a child. You know, childhood dreams always stay somewhere in your brain.

I know it's not my boyfriend who is making me feel insufficient, I'm the one doing it. I'm doing it by blaming him that he can't lift me.

It hurts feeling insufficient.

SYLLABLES

One thing I realized about my liking: I don't like the names that have more than 2 syllables in it.

I'm not sure if the same rule applies in all the names in the world. But certainly, for Turkish names, 3 syllables is a thing that may eliminate potential friendships for me.

There's been an exception lately, though.

And you know what? I've been implementing a lot of exceptions in my life lately. And I like the freedom to do so.

When you let loose, it is so easy to be yourself.

I hope I'll enjoy the process forever.