WEIRD PROBLEM

So I have this weird problem.

When I was weighing like 107 pounds, my boyfriend could lift me up, although not easily.

As 2 years passed by, I gained weight. A lot of weight, since it was what I had to do to go through my recovery from my ED.

I don't get on the scale any longer, since it's a huge trigger for my disorder. But approximately, I could say comfortably that I weigh something between 115-125 pounds, which is a healthy weight for my height.

My boyfriend can't lift me up any longer.

And I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I'm fat, too big for him.

I know this is a ridiculous way of thinking. But it is in my subconscious. I hate the idea of being big.

And I'm afraid it will never pass completely.

I also used to have a dream of being lifted easily by my prince, as a child. You know, childhood dreams always stay somewhere in your brain.

I know it's not my boyfriend who is making me feel insufficient, I'm the one doing it. I'm doing it by blaming him that he can't lift me.

It hurts feeling insufficient.