I GUESS I'M REALLY TRYING

Physically and mentally I'm trying.

I've been avoiding running (my most favorite exercise routine) for months, not because sprinting for a couple of times a month would ruin my recovery (I know even thinking that is crazy), but because if I give it a try even for once and my recovery process doesn't end well, I'm going to put the blame on it. I would rather say: "Ok, I'm doing everything right. If it's not happening, who cares?" than say: "Why can't I just let it go?"

But if I can't move my body enough like I used to back in my restrictive days, I feel like the day was spent unproductive. So instead of doing cardio, I do weightlifting and yoga, and have a simple walk. Deep down, I sometimes question whether it is a replacement done by my restrictive mindset, whether I ever try to push my limits way over the finish line again.

I hope not...

I just want this vicious cycle to end.

Today was better. I met my boyfriend after a week (dunno why we had not met for such a long time.) He told me he will do anything to reach me when I start staying at the dormitory (which is a long distance for him). I can't help but ask myself: "is he gonna do it even when he doesn't feel like trying to meet me although I'm just a couple of railway-stations away from him?"

I answer myself: "I doubt it"

I doubt if this relationship is going to last forever. But all I know is that when I spend time with him, I feel better. He's a good friend.

I need good friends.

I know that if someone with a healthy mindset comes across this blog and reads these sentences, s/he is going to think that I'm too egocentric, that I need help.

That's probably right.

I think this is me trying to compensate for all those years that I forgot about myself completely. This is me punishing myself for being too selfless for ages.

I hope I'm going to find my balance.