ON THE EDGE

Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that my thighs got bigger and bigger.

I agreed to him that my thigh's are nearly as big as his.

He said probably yes.

The day before he told me that in future it was quite probable that I was going to end up looking like my plump mother.

While saying all that, he never meant to be mean. At least that's how he seemed like. He was looking good-humored, loving and smiling all the time.

But I couldn't hold it any longer. Yesterday, I exploded.

I reminded him about my mental disorder: "Don't you know about my anorexia?"

He seemed uncaring: "But I think you completely got over it"

I attacked him the same way he did to me: "And you are so tiny and small that you look like my little brother. Now how does that feel? You always tell me that you completely got over your height obsession. How did you feel when I told you this?"

He answered: "Not good"

For the rest of the time, he tried to assure me that he didn't mean to stress on me getting bigger and heavier, he thought that I already knew I looked fit, and he was just joking around.

I know he was just joking.

But I did not like that joke.

When will I not care about this bullshit?

I want to be free!

And I'm afraid that I don't love my boyfriend enough.

I love my obsessions more than I love him.