ON THE EDGE

Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that my thighs got bigger and bigger.

I agreed to him that my thigh's are nearly as big as his.

He said probably yes.

The day before he told me that in future it was quite probable that I was going to end up looking like my plump mother.

While saying all that, he never meant to be mean. At least that's how he seemed like. He was looking good-humored, loving and smiling all the time.

But I couldn't hold it any longer. Yesterday, I exploded.

I reminded him about my mental disorder: "Don't you know about my anorexia?"

He seemed uncaring: "But I think you completely got over it"

I attacked him the same way he did to me: "And you are so tiny and small that you look like my little brother. Now how does that feel? You always tell me that you completely got over your height obsession. How did you feel when I told you this?"

He answered: "Not good"

For the rest of the time, he tried to assure me that he didn't mean to stress on me getting bigger and heavier, he thought that I already knew I looked fit, and he was just joking around.

I know he was just joking.

But I did not like that joke.

When will I not care about this bullshit?

I want to be free!

And I'm afraid that I don't love my boyfriend enough.

I love my obsessions more than I love him.

EVIL VOICE IN MY HEAD

Dear voice

I'm fed up with you tricking me into believing that everything has passed and I'm completely recovered.

When will you stop this?

When will you get bored of mocking me?

Will you shut up?

Thanks...

PATIENCE

Mum and dad let me loose.

My relationship with my old friends whose hearts I've broken a lot during my disorder has gone back to normal.

I have no stress in my life.

I'm trying to relax and overhear my obsessive thoughts.

Why is letting loose not that easy anymore? It used to be so easy!

At least I think I'm getting better at it.

DISAPPOINTED

I opened that package of brownies.

I took a bite.

I took a second bite. Maybe a third.

Then I stopped.

"I don't even feel that hungry" I said.

So I threw it into the bin.

...

It's not that I don't eat any junk food. I eat foods with high nutritional value regularly, including desserts with lots of sugar content as well as high fat food. And you can't tell that I'm suffering from an eating disorder just by my look. To majority of the people who witness my lifestyle from a closer look, I'm the symbol of clean healthy life style.

But there is a fact that I've still not gained my periods back. Why?

Could "too healthy" and "too clean" be the main reasons?

...

You don't have to eat too little or too much to have an eating disorder.

It's all in your mind.

And healing your mind... It's hard.

I WANT TO RECOVER

Today an old friend of mine who suffered from a similar condition to mine sent me a text on whatsapp. She told me that she's been having regular cycles for 2 months, and the only thing she did was let go off things she used to obsess about.

I want to let go.

So I decided to let go.

I've been improving about getting rid of my obsessions for perfection. I've been eating intuitively and abundantly. I've been avoiding excessive exercising, I've been trying to find new activities I can enjoy. But it's still there in my mind, I can feel it's still there.

Tomorrow I'm going to have that unhealthy brownie.

IT'S BEEN SOME TIME

I've been ignoring this diary-like blog recently.

Not because I want to.

I don't have time for a lot of things I used to do recently.

I don't write blogs.

I don't read books for leisure.

I don't exercise as much.

I don't watch my body grow. She can do anything she wants.

And I feel tired still.

I really don't know the reason. I'm not having an exhausting time period or anything. But I just feel tired.

So I'm going to sleep now.

Good night.

I'VE BEATEN MY OCD!

So, yesterday was the end of my neurology committee. Likewise, my university friends finished their own committees; the ones that had finished their psychiatry committee told me that what I had been going through this whole time was an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I had gotten over with myself.

My exercise was my compulsion, driven with my obsession for staying skinny.

Did you know that people get medications to get over their OCDs? And I've beaten it without it! By putting my life in balance with my passions and my duties, nothing is impossible to get one's life be on track again.

Yes, I have more fat in my body.

Yes, I'm still waiting to see the complete results of my full recovery (which is getting my period back!)

No, I'm still having my ups and downs, it's a part of being human.

No, I don't think I'm perfect, since there is no accurate definition of "perfect"

Yes, I'm going to be happier from now and then on!