BEING BANISHED

This has nothing to do with my eating disorder.

This has nothing to do with my hypothalamic amenorrhea either.

Maybe it does. But not significantly.

I needed to write this down somewhere.

I would usually write my general feelings about life events in another blog, but that blog got discovered by people who know me personally. Although at first I didn't care about this fact and still kept writing whatever I wanted, I had to put a stop to my recklessnes, as people sent me warning signs. Whenever I wrote something about my life and my observations, someone would notice something related to him/her which s/he didn't like.

That's why I'm writing about this feeling of banishment in here. It's because this blog has not been discovered yet.

So I used to have a friend circle, back in the days when I was completely free of my illness... when I was a new student in the medical university. We would hang out together, gossip together, arrange events together.

Since the beginning of my illness, my relationship with them fluctuated, most of the time in a bad manner. It wasn't until I opened my heart to one of them (who used to be my best friend, too), told her I'm sorry because of all the things I've done to them and mostly to her, told her that I'm getting better.

She said she's sorry for not staying by my side, too.

She said she's happy for me, because she also realized that I was getting better.

She said she saw a glimpse of my old self more and more each day.

She said I came back.

...

After that speech, we started having a lot of fun together again. We would gossip, hang out, arrange events. She would organize a surprise party for me, I would prepare nice gifts for her.

I thought everything was back on track.

But somehow I still feel like I've been missing a lot. Especially about the rest of the group. Probably because of this, they don't invite me to their plans, don't talk to me about their emotions. Whenever I'm in a place with them, I feel uncomfortable.

It feels nice to be able to write this down. Even now I feel like this is nothing to be feeling sorry about. Thanks for reading and not relating what I've written here to yourself :)

VEGANS

I did something insanely stupid and aimless.

I posted a comment on a video of a vegetarian, who was making before&after photos of people who just became vegans.

I said being vegan is unhealthy medically and psychologically. And although veganism could be an ethical choice, imposing a lifestyle on other people harshly was not ethical at all.

Somehow, a couple of people who had no jobs in life found my comment and started pooring out annoying comments. They were probably underage. My final answer was: ":)))))))))))))))))))"

Well, I'll never be vegan. That's for sure. Lol.

CONCERNS

My boyfriend and I visited his grandparents today. They're really nice people and they like me a lot. I'd not been able to visit them for months because of my studies and had been hearing from my boyfriend that they miss me, and today I finally could go visit them.

His grandpa told me his life story and his marriage with my boyfriend's grandma, which raised my concerns about my boyfriend carrying genetic abnormalities, for a couple of seconds.

My boyfriend told me that his mother's breasts were not of equal sizes until she had a breast job, and her mum blamed the type of marriage she did for it. It sounded funny to blame her marriage for such a small reason, but what if there were more?

Was my child going to have a sort of genetic disease if I married my boyfriend?

Then I realized how crazy it is to think about future that far.

Who knows if I'm gonna be able to conceive after all...

STUPID

I just read my last post.

It seemed so stupid to be in the mood to write such things.

Well, to make things clear: I don't always think that I'm too big. I don't always think that I'm insufficient. In fact, most of the time I think it's the opposite.

But I always think that I'm tired and overwhelmed.

It's been so long since I made huge holiday like I used to when I was a kid.

Maybe all I need is a gap year to heal my mind.

WEIRD PROBLEM

So I have this weird problem.

When I was weighing like 107 pounds, my boyfriend could lift me up, although not easily.

As 2 years passed by, I gained weight. A lot of weight, since it was what I had to do to go through my recovery from my ED.

I don't get on the scale any longer, since it's a huge trigger for my disorder. But approximately, I could say comfortably that I weigh something between 115-125 pounds, which is a healthy weight for my height.

My boyfriend can't lift me up any longer.

And I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I'm fat, too big for him.

I know this is a ridiculous way of thinking. But it is in my subconscious. I hate the idea of being big.

And I'm afraid it will never pass completely.

I also used to have a dream of being lifted easily by my prince, as a child. You know, childhood dreams always stay somewhere in your brain.

I know it's not my boyfriend who is making me feel insufficient, I'm the one doing it. I'm doing it by blaming him that he can't lift me.

It hurts feeling insufficient.

SYLLABLES

One thing I realized about my liking: I don't like the names that have more than 2 syllables in it.

I'm not sure if the same rule applies in all the names in the world. But certainly, for Turkish names, 3 syllables is a thing that may eliminate potential friendships for me.

There's been an exception lately, though.

And you know what? I've been implementing a lot of exceptions in my life lately. And I like the freedom to do so.

When you let loose, it is so easy to be yourself.

I hope I'll enjoy the process forever.

BETTER

I've been getting better since the last post I've written here.

I've been controlling the type of food that I take in to my body less, enjoying the food more.

I've been hanging around with friends more. Concentrating in life is more fun than concentrating on what the mirror shows.

I've been less dependent on my boyfriend. As I'm getting there, I feel more independent, like an individual.

My family is getting happier each day, this time I feel like it's for real.

I've been lying to myself less.

There are still some things that I'm trying to get over with. But I'm really happy with the progress.