IT'S BEEN SOME TIME

I've been ignoring this diary-like blog recently.

Not because I want to.

I don't have time for a lot of things I used to do recently.

I don't write blogs.

I don't read books for leisure.

I don't exercise as much.

I don't watch my body grow. She can do anything she wants.

And I feel tired still.

I really don't know the reason. I'm not having an exhausting time period or anything. But I just feel tired.

So I'm going to sleep now.

Good night.

I'VE BEATEN MY OCD!

So, yesterday was the end of my neurology committee. Likewise, my university friends finished their own committees; the ones that had finished their psychiatry committee told me that what I had been going through this whole time was an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I had gotten over with myself.

My exercise was my compulsion, driven with my obsession for staying skinny.

Did you know that people get medications to get over their OCDs? And I've beaten it without it! By putting my life in balance with my passions and my duties, nothing is impossible to get one's life be on track again.

Yes, I have more fat in my body.

Yes, I'm still waiting to see the complete results of my full recovery (which is getting my period back!)

No, I'm still having my ups and downs, it's a part of being human.

No, I don't think I'm perfect, since there is no accurate definition of "perfect"

Yes, I'm going to be happier from now and then on!

NEW OLD ME

I have no idea what got to me lately, but I had never been less caring about my weight, body fat, my veins' visibility for so long.

Not complaining about it, it's what a normal, healthy mindset is supposed to be. It's what the "old me" was.

I'm calling this phase of my recovery as "the new old me phase"

I've still not got my periods back, but I know that this is a huge process. I damaged my psychology and my body so much within the last 2 years. Now what I can do is, trust my body, love my body no matter what.

So, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

I promise, dear BODY :)

2 FRIENDS

I met with 2 friends today, at different times of the same day.

Both of them told me I seemed kind of relieved.

The first one told me how happy she was to see me like this. More positive, less stressed out. I told her that it was because of the profiterole dessert I was eating with her.

The second one told me how shocked she was to see how easygoing I was with her (just like she said when I went abroad with her to Europe for a holiday).

What can I say?

I'd missed my old life. So I wanted it back. And I took it back!

Obsessions are real. Turning obsessions into psychiatric disorders are real, too. But they can be got rid of.

I did it, so anybody can do it ;)

COUNTING DAYS ARE OVER

I had this huge instagram project I developed on my own, which I thought would motivate me to take a break from running: "walkinsteadofrun"

What I would do in this independent project is that I would walk during the days and take pics of the meaningful things around me while walking, make a collage of the daily favorite pictures and post them.

In addition, I would write the number of the days I had not been running, which I thought would motivate me further not to relapse.

Now, I think I don't need counting anymore. And you know what? I'm quite fed up with numbers.

I'll just keep doing what I think is right for me at the moment: less stress, more fun.

I think I've completed my project successfully.

Btw, I don't plan on going back to running for quite a while. I just don't feel like it.

Maybe some pilates... Dunno.

BIG TEST WITH EID Al-ADHA

So, I've been watching some videos on Youtube channels that address on how to cope with hypothalamic amenorrhea lately, and most of them are made by (guess what?!) vegan communities. Probably the reason is that this disorder mainly affects them!

They motivate me to increase my fat intake and care less about the notion of food so that I can focus on life, which is a really big part of my recovery process.

I used to be a girl who would make her grades and extracurricular activities and ambition. I would compare myself with others based on the number of countries I saw and how much I knew about the world apart from the lessons that we learned together. I would never compare myself to the others based on the things that they eat daily, or the number that appears once they step on the scale.

I'm not saying that comparing myself with others in any kind of aspects is a good thing.

But it is a normal thing. It's part of who I am, a part of who we are.

People compare themselves with each other, to measure if they are improving or getting worse.

But there is a healthy limit on comparing oneself to another.

I might have crossed that line during my illness.

So yeah, I've been trying to recover from my recent obsessions about food and focus more on my former hobbies and interests. I think I've come a long way in succeeding that so far.

However, these channels are full of the idea of "saving the animals!". Not a bad thing as it sounds, I know. But when it comes to a point where you get stressed out once your close relatives put an animal meat on your plate (since it's the time of feast of Sacrifices) and you feel like you're going to die if you eat it, I think it signals to a PROBLEM.

Personally, I don't like meat. The only animal products my brain and stomach can tolerate are eggs, milk and fish. And if I ever start living on my own, the first thing I'm going to cross out from my groceries list is "meat." However, I'm also an easy-going person who used to be able to "adapt" to her living conditions. If eating meat is going to improve my relationship with my loved ones, so be it! I ACCEPT THE CHALLANGE!

Take care ;)

GOOD PEOPLE

I'm surrounded with good people nowadays.

Not decent people, but good people. They won't hurt me. So they are good.

Without any peer pressure, I feel myself much more relieved and better.

Feeling relieved makes studying medicine much easier.

Things are good ;)