OBSESSED

So, I have a very obsessive character ever since I was a kid.

In primary school, I was obsessed about my best friend. She was the most popular girl of our class. Boys loved her for her look, girls loved her because boys loved her. I loved her because we decided to become best friends and she was the one who made the first move. Of course, after a couple of years, she was the one again to back off and tell me not to be best friends any longer.

In middle school, I was obsessed about a boy who was 2 years older than me and played guitar in our singing club. He would return to my smiles here and there, give me some secret stares, and go back to what he was doing before he saw me. We never talked to each other. After I changed my school in high school, I never saw him again. The case was closed.

In high school, I was obsessed about another boy. He was a popular one. You might guess it, he was a catch. I was not (at least that was what I was thinking about myself). He knew about my feelings, I was making it obvious unintentionally. He was probably having fun and some ego boosts as he saw me begging for a return of feelings from the way that I looked at him. I never got a return.

Now that I'm nearly graduating from medical school and having a really settled relationship with my most precious one (whom I truly love and care), I still find myself preoccupied in my past obsessions. A couple of months ago, my high school obsession started using Instagram and followed his facebook friends, including me. Today I looked at his following lists, and didn't see myself for a second. Of course, when I refreshed the page and saw my name was on the list, I felt a big relief, as if the world was saved.

Why am I still not letting go off of the past?..

When am I going to be mature enough to forget?

SPIDERMAN

Hello,

It's been a long time.

I just wanted to jot down a couple of things about today, partly because I think I'm still improving about my "self-love" thing, and also partly because I feel like this blog deserves to be taken care of.

So, the first thing that I wanted to emphasize about today, is that today happened to be a national holiday. It was not a national holiday until this year. Appearently a group of citizens saved our country (I mean the president of our country) from an insidious assasination last year, so we're celebrating that day of the year. (It is more tragic that it sounds actually, considering the political state of our country, but I better not get into detail)

The second thing is, I bought myself salted popcorn with cheese in the middle of the cinema today! Actually, I don't even feel like this is an improvement at all. I just wanted to write this down.

Every time I see myself in the mirror and my eyes run towards the changing parts of my body, I feel like I don't care anymore. Not caring used to be my biggest fear in the past. It felt like I would be out of control if I stopped caring.

It turns out having too much of self-control never worked for me.

I will keep discovering what works for me the best!

Love.

BEING BANISHED

This has nothing to do with my eating disorder.

This has nothing to do with my hypothalamic amenorrhea either.

Maybe it does. But not significantly.

I needed to write this down somewhere.

I would usually write my general feelings about life events in another blog, but that blog got discovered by people who know me personally. Although at first I didn't care about this fact and still kept writing whatever I wanted, I had to put a stop to my recklessnes, as people sent me warning signs. Whenever I wrote something about my life and my observations, someone would notice something related to him/her which s/he didn't like.

That's why I'm writing about this feeling of banishment in here. It's because this blog has not been discovered yet.

So I used to have a friend circle, back in the days when I was completely free of my illness... when I was a new student in the medical university. We would hang out together, gossip together, arrange events together.

Since the beginning of my illness, my relationship with them fluctuated, most of the time in a bad manner. It wasn't until I opened my heart to one of them (who used to be my best friend, too), told her I'm sorry because of all the things I've done to them and mostly to her, told her that I'm getting better.

She said she's sorry for not staying by my side, too.

She said she's happy for me, because she also realized that I was getting better.

She said she saw a glimpse of my old self more and more each day.

She said I came back.

...

After that speech, we started having a lot of fun together again. We would gossip, hang out, arrange events. She would organize a surprise party for me, I would prepare nice gifts for her.

I thought everything was back on track.

But somehow I still feel like I've been missing a lot. Especially about the rest of the group. Probably because of this, they don't invite me to their plans, don't talk to me about their emotions. Whenever I'm in a place with them, I feel uncomfortable.

It feels nice to be able to write this down. Even now I feel like this is nothing to be feeling sorry about. Thanks for reading and not relating what I've written here to yourself :)

VEGANS

I did something insanely stupid and aimless.

I posted a comment on a video of a vegetarian, who was making before&after photos of people who just became vegans.

I said being vegan is unhealthy medically and psychologically. And although veganism could be an ethical choice, imposing a lifestyle on other people harshly was not ethical at all.

Somehow, a couple of people who had no jobs in life found my comment and started pooring out annoying comments. They were probably underage. My final answer was: ":)))))))))))))))))))"

Well, I'll never be vegan. That's for sure. Lol.

CONCERNS

My boyfriend and I visited his grandparents today. They're really nice people and they like me a lot. I'd not been able to visit them for months because of my studies and had been hearing from my boyfriend that they miss me, and today I finally could go visit them.

His grandpa told me his life story and his marriage with my boyfriend's grandma, which raised my concerns about my boyfriend carrying genetic abnormalities, for a couple of seconds.

My boyfriend told me that his mother's breasts were not of equal sizes until she had a breast job, and her mum blamed the type of marriage she did for it. It sounded funny to blame her marriage for such a small reason, but what if there were more?

Was my child going to have a sort of genetic disease if I married my boyfriend?

Then I realized how crazy it is to think about future that far.

Who knows if I'm gonna be able to conceive after all...

STUPID

I just read my last post.

It seemed so stupid to be in the mood to write such things.

Well, to make things clear: I don't always think that I'm too big. I don't always think that I'm insufficient. In fact, most of the time I think it's the opposite.

But I always think that I'm tired and overwhelmed.

It's been so long since I made huge holiday like I used to when I was a kid.

Maybe all I need is a gap year to heal my mind.

WEIRD PROBLEM

So I have this weird problem.

When I was weighing like 107 pounds, my boyfriend could lift me up, although not easily.

As 2 years passed by, I gained weight. A lot of weight, since it was what I had to do to go through my recovery from my ED.

I don't get on the scale any longer, since it's a huge trigger for my disorder. But approximately, I could say comfortably that I weigh something between 115-125 pounds, which is a healthy weight for my height.

My boyfriend can't lift me up any longer.

And I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I'm fat, too big for him.

I know this is a ridiculous way of thinking. But it is in my subconscious. I hate the idea of being big.

And I'm afraid it will never pass completely.

I also used to have a dream of being lifted easily by my prince, as a child. You know, childhood dreams always stay somewhere in your brain.

I know it's not my boyfriend who is making me feel insufficient, I'm the one doing it. I'm doing it by blaming him that he can't lift me.

It hurts feeling insufficient.