STUPID

I just read my last post.

It seemed so stupid to be in the mood to write such things.

Well, to make things clear: I don't always think that I'm too big. I don't always think that I'm insufficient. In fact, most of the time I think it's the opposite.

But I always think that I'm tired and overwhelmed.

It's been so long since I made huge holiday like I used to when I was a kid.

Maybe all I need is a gap year to heal my mind.

WEIRD PROBLEM

So I have this weird problem.

When I was weighing like 107 pounds, my boyfriend could lift me up, although not easily.

As 2 years passed by, I gained weight. A lot of weight, since it was what I had to do to go through my recovery from my ED.

I don't get on the scale any longer, since it's a huge trigger for my disorder. But approximately, I could say comfortably that I weigh something between 115-125 pounds, which is a healthy weight for my height.

My boyfriend can't lift me up any longer.

And I feel ashamed of it. I feel like I'm fat, too big for him.

I know this is a ridiculous way of thinking. But it is in my subconscious. I hate the idea of being big.

And I'm afraid it will never pass completely.

I also used to have a dream of being lifted easily by my prince, as a child. You know, childhood dreams always stay somewhere in your brain.

I know it's not my boyfriend who is making me feel insufficient, I'm the one doing it. I'm doing it by blaming him that he can't lift me.

It hurts feeling insufficient.

SYLLABLES

One thing I realized about my liking: I don't like the names that have more than 2 syllables in it.

I'm not sure if the same rule applies in all the names in the world. But certainly, for Turkish names, 3 syllables is a thing that may eliminate potential friendships for me.

There's been an exception lately, though.

And you know what? I've been implementing a lot of exceptions in my life lately. And I like the freedom to do so.

When you let loose, it is so easy to be yourself.

I hope I'll enjoy the process forever.

BETTER

I've been getting better since the last post I've written here.

I've been controlling the type of food that I take in to my body less, enjoying the food more.

I've been hanging around with friends more. Concentrating in life is more fun than concentrating on what the mirror shows.

I've been less dependent on my boyfriend. As I'm getting there, I feel more independent, like an individual.

My family is getting happier each day, this time I feel like it's for real.

I've been lying to myself less.

There are still some things that I'm trying to get over with. But I'm really happy with the progress.

UNWANTED VISITOR

My home has been recently occupied by an unwanted visitor.

The visitor is a she. She is old. She is uneducated. She is extremely small, and obviously has a chronic eating disorder. She has no self esteem. She hates everyone, and gossips about them. When she does not cook for others, she only talks bad things about the people she knows about.

She is a relative of mine.

I've been avoiding home recently.

I've been hiding things from home recently, just so that this unwanted visitor won't have a material to talk about me.

The first day she came to our home, she grumbled to my mum that I've been a disappointment since I had a boyfriend. God knew how shameful acts I must have undertaken to find one?

Yesterday I bought myself a cute dress to wear in my second year anniversary with my boyfriend. She wanted to look what was inside the bag. Just because I didn't feel like it, I refused to show it to her. She tried to convince my mum afterwards to sneak into my room and see what was inside the bag.

Mum told her that I was an individual of this house, and the most loved one. She wouldn't do anything that would interfere with my personal life.

Last time she came to our home, she stayed for months. That's her thing. She always stays to make people uncomfortable.

But this time, mum bought her a ticket online.

She'll be gone in 2 weeks.

I don't like the UNEDUCATED.

Uneducated doesn't equal someone who did not go to school. Uneducated equals hatred, no sympathy, chaos. Uneducated is that she, that poor woman with that extremely small figure and a bad mouth.

Thanks mum.

ON THE EDGE

Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that my thighs got bigger and bigger.

I agreed to him that my thigh's are nearly as big as his.

He said probably yes.

The day before he told me that in future it was quite probable that I was going to end up looking like my plump mother.

While saying all that, he never meant to be mean. At least that's how he seemed like. He was looking good-humored, loving and smiling all the time.

But I couldn't hold it any longer. Yesterday, I exploded.

I reminded him about my mental disorder: "Don't you know about my anorexia?"

He seemed uncaring: "But I think you completely got over it"

I attacked him the same way he did to me: "And you are so tiny and small that you look like my little brother. Now how does that feel? You always tell me that you completely got over your height obsession. How did you feel when I told you this?"

He answered: "Not good"

For the rest of the time, he tried to assure me that he didn't mean to stress on me getting bigger and heavier, he thought that I already knew I looked fit, and he was just joking around.

I know he was just joking.

But I did not like that joke.

When will I not care about this bullshit?

I want to be free!

And I'm afraid that I don't love my boyfriend enough.

I love my obsessions more than I love him.

EVIL VOICE IN MY HEAD

Dear voice

I'm fed up with you tricking me into believing that everything has passed and I'm completely recovered.

When will you stop this?

When will you get bored of mocking me?

Will you shut up?

Thanks...